I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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