if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
