Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
