tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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