The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
