the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
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Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
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Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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