btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
