I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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