I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize