I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
