spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You dont lie about slip and slides
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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