you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
