I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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