My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
