Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
