so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
