i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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