I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
