I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
