when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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