she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We left an ass print on the piano.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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