I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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