I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
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I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
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My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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