It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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