Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
