Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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