Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
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She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
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Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
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