I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
