my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
