I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.