Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
