I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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