I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
