woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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