The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
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I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
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i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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