awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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