Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
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Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
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You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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