Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
