I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
