a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
