She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
