She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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