I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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