I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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