The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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