Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
