I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize