You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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