This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
