I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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