So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
