When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
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Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
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I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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