i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
