My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
