Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
