I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
